BiPolar 2 depressed state

So here I am again on the low side of this illness.  Anyone else out there feeling this way right now?.  When I get like this I do feel alone, I do have bad thoughts, I do hate myself, I do want to just run away from everything by hiding under the covers of my safe place – my bed!. 

I could quite easily quit my job right now.  Nobody would care except myself for doing it when ever come out of this depressed state.  I know because I have done it before 😢.  I had the best job ever, made great money, had lots of friends and lost it all due to this illness.  

I’ve been on and off stable for about 6 months.  No highs, just lows and “normal” days whatever they are.  I guess they are when I don’t have suicidal thoughts, hatred towards myself and loneliness.

Although I feel alone right now I know I am not.  I know there are so many others just like me out there feeling the same way I do today, battling this illness within us.

Even if my sporadic blogs don’t get read, it always helps to sometimes just throw thoughts and feelings out there with the hope it helps another know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!. 

Rough week

Not going to lie,  this week has been hard.  The depressed side of me has returned after a lovely break of a few months.  Along with a side dose of anxiety, panic attacks, irritability, paranoia and severe tiredness 💤. 

I am hoping this passes quickly all I want to do is be left alone to sleep and crawl into a hole.  Got through this before and I will conquer it again!!!. 

Trying to keep a positive mind and a fake smile on my face, whilst trying to function at work and home, but it’s difficult. 

What a miserable post……but this is after alla blog about my journey.  The “good” and the “bad”.

Anxiety & BiPolar medications

 So what works for you?.  Not all medications and dosages are the same or the right fit for everyone.  Sometimes you will try almost every medication and combination before you find what works and helps you feel somewhat better.
I am hoping to find out what type of meds and dosages others take, and see what is the most popular and effective in general.

Responses to this are very much appreciated!

Bipolar and anxiety anger outbursts

How many times before or even after diagnosis have you lost your shit?

I can think back over 20 years ago, being in a relationship with a wonderful man and basically directing all my mood swings, rage, irritability and anger towards him.  I could be the most loving person, then flip a switch and be this aggressive bitch from  hell.  When I look back I hate myself but I did not know anything was wrong with me. 

How can someone just assume that’s their personality and not think they are horrible or crazy?!?!.  Needless to say, after many years of putting up with my “personality” our relationship ended and he wanted nothing to do with me.  

This condition can destroy relationships with family and friends.  I am so glad and lucky that I met and married someone who loves me enough to stick by me through thick and thin.  My husband was actually the one who told me “Hey, I think you might need some help”.  I could not lose this person I love so much and after much denial and many breakdowns, depressive episodes, bouts of anger I finally got the help I desperately needed. 

I still have bad days, can snap, have road rage and just need everyone to leave me alone etc.  But, now I know why I am like this. I am not a horrible person, I am loving and caring, I do have people around me that love me.  I have a wonderful Dr who is seeing me on a regular basis to help me stay stable and happy. 

When did all this start?

If you are reading this then I guess we have something in common.  I am one of millions of people who suffer with various mental health conditions.  Those being – Bipolar 2, Social anxiety disorder, panic disorder and Generalized anxiety disorder.  I have always wanted to write a blog, put my thoughts on paper and be able to find others just like me.  Of course, because of Social anxiety and before reaching out for help it was just impossible to do so.  It has taken me about 28 years to finally be diagnosed and treated for exactly what my ‘problems’ are.   Those who suffer from any of these conditions will totally understand why it can take so long to receive the correct diagnosis!.

Lets start with anxiety!

I can remember being about 12 years old and moving house, new area, new school, leaving friends behind and what was familiar to me.  I believe from that point my life was changed forever.  Although I was probably showing signs earlier it is from here that I can really relate to my anxiety symptoms.  I became terrified to go to school, faked being sick, found it hard to make friends, became very quiet and introverted.  All of these things I was not before the big change in my life as a teenager, i.e moving.

Ive discovered over the years that I do not adapt very well to change and it ALWAYS triggers panic attacks and out of control anxious symptoms.  Symptoms for me are not just mental but physical too.

The inexplicable and irrational fear, the overwhelming, terrifying thoughts and phobias that you live with are so hard for others to understand.  Those who have never experienced it, or know anyone that lives this way.  For me, the telephone, deep water, asking people for things, wasps and the way people view my personality or look at me are just some of my fears that I deal with.

The sense of relief when you are released from a situation that makes you anxious is exhilirating!!!.  Ive quit jobs without thinking it through just to avoid situations, ignored important phone calls, avoided social gatherings.  I now speak with a low tone just so I do not stick out like a sore thumb or draw attention to myself.  The list is pretty endless and would not make any sense to anyone else but myself really.

Throw some Generalized anxiety, panic attacks in for good measure and there you go!  So excited I have just completed the first teeny tiny bit of my blog, something I would not have been able to do even 4 months ago 🙂